Promotional Gifts - How Not To Waste Your Money!

This came out of a discussion on the "Collaborative Cambridge" Facebook group, which seems to have become dormant in recent months.

The question arose: "Has anyone explored the world of corporate gifts (e.g. pens, coasters, etc.)? If so, what, why and did they achieve what you wanted?"

My conclusions: you need to pick the items that'll keep your details in front of the target the longest.

Pens are a waste of time. They get lost, chewed, run out of ink. Cheap pens aren't a good look in an exec's hand; neither are pens branded for someone else's company. And if they dump a load of ink in your customer's bespoke suit pocket, you won't make friends, to say the least.

Mouse-mats? Maybe, but how many do you use? One at most. So why would your prospects use yours instead of someone else's? Novelty items, like juggling balls? How are they going to keep your message in your targets' eyes for more than a moment? Same goes for coasters.

And don't get me on giveaway sweet packets...they've a half-life of ten exhibition stands away from yours!

No, the things that work, in my humble opinion, are useful items that don't shame an executive's desk. So let's talk about a few of those.

Memory sticks with a keyring attachment - important! - are good, particularly if etched/inscribed rather than printed (most screen printing gets worn off quickly). Only use ones with a decently useful capacity. "One gig? Seriously? Pointless!" Make sure they're pre-loaded with your sales literature.

Mugs are great. But remember that the top execs may not like having mugs rather than fancy china on their desks, so pick your target. Give them to everyone you work with at your clients, and donate to suitable organisations who will have visitors/workers/members in your target market areas, so they and their visitors see a cupboard-full of your mugs. Mugs have long working lives, promoting your biz. Don't forget contact information as well as branding! Consider QR codes.

Water bottles for runners will have your customers grateful to you every time they stop for a long, cool drink. Not so useful for a fifty-something besuited, overweight Board member, though - so, again, pick your target.

Desk clocks - but only the stylish ones. Added points for small displays of month's calendar, and temperature and pressure. Even if your customer gives them to her geek kid, it'll be seen by the customer regularly. My daughter has one on her laptop table. Amazingly, the vendor didn't bother to brand it. I can't remember who gave it now, just that it came from a cloud tech expo.

Visible to their customer daily? Achieved. Brand recognition? FAIL!

Tear-off notepads, like those spiral ones with a through-hole that acts as a pen-holder, with your details discreetly on each page. (Top tip: include a near-end page saying: "Running out? Give us a call, and we'll gladly send you a new pad!") The same goes for sticky-note pads...but with hundreds of leaves, not skinny ones with just 50 or 100. Remember, the idea's to keep that message in front of your customer as long as possible.

Leather folders with A4 notepads (again, details on each page, and a "refill" reminder). I still use one I got years ago. Looks stylish, and it's useful. But imprint with your details inside, not outside. Looks are everything in luxury goods, so keep the branding where it's seen every time the recipient opens it, even if they've replaced your pad with a generic. Oh, and think carefully about the leather. Calf-skin probably won't play well with Indian businesspeople; likewise pig-skin amongst Muslim or Jewish prospective customers. Did I mention, "Pick your target"?

Shoulder/laptop bags - but don't bother unless you're going to spend for a top-quality desirable item: you want your target to abandon your competitors' cheaper-looking ones for yours! So be discreet about logo and contact details. Embroider rather than print; it's a classier look.

Linen or hessian tote bags are surprisingly effective, and durable. Durable is good.

Even draw-string kit bags, the sort that kids take to school holding their gym or swimming kit, are useful. It'll be seen often around your customer's house, and the kids will remind them if they forget who provided the bag!

Basically, the take-away message (pun somewhat intended) is to think about what's going to promote you in the longer term - and don't cheap out. And that means being selective about who you give gifts to, too, otherwise you may as well hand out unbranded pound coins instead.

Make your give-aways memorable, useful and retained by their recipients, and they won't be a waste of money.

Five Things I Never Travel Without

In the first post, "Five Things I Wouldn't Be Without", I covered the five items you'll never find me separated from. Now, as promised, the five items I always have with me when I travel abroad.

I'm making the distinction here about travelling abroad, rather than just an overnighter to another town, because for a Brit the difference is pretty important. For us, travel to another country usually involves travelling light. Unless we're taking a car ferry or the EuroTunnel, we can't just throw half the house in the boot (or trunk, if you're American) and drive off. We're going by plane, train or boat, and either way we're going to be carrying our life in bags with us.

I'm a huge fan of one-bag travelling. A number of years ago, I stumbled across a wonderful site: onebag.com. [Apologies to anyone who was misdirected when I mistyped it as one-bag.com in a previous revision!] It's not a commercial site, but it's all about travelling anywhere by plane, with just a carry-on bag. Now, I'm also a big fan of Virgin Atlantic - but not their truly dumb 6kg carry-on maximum weight. That necessitates a few special items...

1. My CabinMax convertible backpack

The CabinMax range is excellent, lightweight cabin luggage, and my travel companion for several years now has been my Flight Approved Backpack. Its 44L capacity is as much as you're permitted on most carriers, but it weighs only 880g, or 1.95 lbs, which leaves you over 5kgs for contents even on stingy old Virgin Atlantic. The backpack shoulder straps have been sturdy enough to survive everything I've done to them, and I've been pretty brutal to them so far. It's inexpensive, strong, feather-light and comfortable, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

2. My AyeGear vest

I bought an AyeGear Vest last year, and it's been a wonder! I can fit my 13" Ultrabook in one inside pocket, several phones and gadgets in others, all sorts of odds, ends, batteries and cables all over the place, and thread a pair of mobile phone earpieces through the convenient loops provided...and nothing shows! Which is good, when I'm carrying several kilos extra on my body... Again, it's comfortable, versatile, doesn't look too shabby, and is wearable luggage. I could conceivably even pack a lightweight change of clothes in the big back pocket, and travel with nothing but what I'm wearing.

3. Noise-cancelling headphones

The constant rumble of long-distance air flight is a stressor, but not one that travellers recognise; well, not as much as the screaming kid two rows back, or the salesman soomeone poured into the next seat along, suffering from advanced logorrhoea. Terminal logorrhoea, if he doesn't shut up soon... Airline headsets are, let's face it, rubbish. They manage to combine a total lack of noise barrier with all the fidelity of a 1950s crystal radio earpiece. There's only one solution to the passenger peace problem, and that's active noise-cancelling headphones, preferably the over-ear type. Just remember to carry spare batteries. Due to an unfortunate tendency to chew through the cable when I'm concentrating, I can't recommend any one make. At least, until someone brings out a model with munch-proof wires...

4. Earplugs

As good as noise-cancelling headphones are, they aren't comfortable to sleep with...particularly once you're in your hotel room, and the next-door neighbours' come-all-ye keg party has moved on to the all-in orgy stage, with a full percussion section. You need peace. You need quiet. Actually, you need a Glock 17, but inexplicably the hotel doesn't list one on the room service menu. Apparently they're bad for business. Earplugs are the answer, and you need good ones. I love Flents Quiet Time plugs, and get a fresh supply whenever I'm in the States. I notice they've brought out a Super Sleep model that's shorter, so less likely to be knocked out in your sleep, and I may well pick up a whole load next time around.

5. Ziploc bags

No, really! I store power cords with phones, give data cables their own bags, use large ziplocs to store used undies, keep part-finished bags of Doritos fresh, put each currency in a separate ziploc - the uses are endless, and the bags are weightless...well, nearly enough. You can even put your nice Google Nexus tablet in a ziploc (two, nested, if you're feeling paranoid) and read Kindle books in the bathtub! Just make sure that you use the type that seal end-to-end if you want to do that: the ones with a "zip runner" aren't always waterproof enough. I travel with one roll of smallish bags, and one of really large ones. One word of warning: ziploc bags are slippery, so be careful when you open your luggage, or half its contents will slither around your feet!

Dear %%FIRSTNAME%%,

[Originally posted on my Just This Side Of Sane blog on 2012/07/13.]

Recently, you were kind enough to complete one of our online surveys, following a purchase of our products.  We hope you are satisfied with your purchase, and enjoyed participating in our customer satisfaction research.

We would be very interested to hear your opinion on our surveys, and receive any feedback you would be kind enough to share with us about them, so we have devised a very short questionnaire for you.  We promise it won't take more than 5 minutes of your time, and it would really help us to fit our future research to our customer needs.  If you could spare us those five minutes, please click here to take you directly to the first questions.

Thank you, and our very best wishes,

%%SURVEYCLIENTSHORTNAME%%

Now, I'll admit right now that this is a spoof.  I haven't yet been invited to participate in a meta-survey...but it's only a matter of time.  It seems to me that business has become survey-mad.  You can't buy anything online, can't even enter a commercial website without being offered the "opportunity to assist us in our customer satisfaction research", before, during or after the event - or perhaps all three.

So let me ask: Why has business become so neurotic?

Accepted, it's a good thing to understand how your customers feel about you.  In a store (you know, those places in High Streets and shopping centres?), you could get someone with a clipboard and a smile to poll random shoppers.  If you're already a household name, you could hire a telephone research company to call random people and get their opinions.  So why is it unreasonable to do the same thing online?

Well, it isn't unreasonable at all - in moderation.  Unfortunately, some companies have taken it all a bit too much to heart.  Surveys after every single purchase.  Surveys before you're even allowed onto the website.  Surveys that won't let you leave the website without declining them.  Surveys hitting every single person who visits, every single time.

This. Is. Not. Necessary.

And it makes your business look deeply insecure.  Not a sales-friendly message.

If your (prospective) customers realise that they're going to be pestered by a "needy" vendor every time they come near...guess what?  Yep, that's right, you're now officially working for the competition, and you're making great contributions to their revenues.  You might even get named in their quarterly conference call.

Perhaps, after all, you ought to do a survey asking customers or visitors how they feel about your survey strategy.  I guarantee that if you do, and you act on the results, it'll be the last survey you ever do.

And your customers - those who haven't already drifted away - will love you for it.

What to do when your business goes wrong [JTSOS, Jun 2012]

[Originally posted on my Just This Side Of Sane blog on 2012/06/25.]

There's two reasons why things don't go the way we want.

1. The Universe is a source of infinite possibilities. You're doing the right thing - more or less - it's just that you can't plan for everything, and something just slapped you in the face for trying:

2. You've got it wrong. The Universe and a number of your colleagues and customers have been trying to tell you so, but you won't get the hint until they explain through the medium of breakdance to a soundtrack co-written by Björk, Metallica and Wagner, sung by Ruby Wax and a backing chorus of penguins.

The trick is to identify which category applies.

Yes, I'm being flippant, but the principle stands regardless. As I'm hinting, the problem is often ego: we're damned sure we've got the Next Big Idea, and despair at a Universe that doesn't "get it". So how do we tell?

Now, I'll admit I'm no expert here - but I've run six companies to date, with results varying from complete success to abject failure, so at least I've some experience and a few mistakes from which to winnow an answer.

And that answer seems to me to be metrics: impartial ways of analysing your idea, your approach, your cashflow - to find what's good and what's bad. If things are going wrong, you need to find out where the point of failure is, and be prepared to discover it's you.

Every company has a product, whether that's a widget or a service. That's the starting point.

If it's not selling, find out why. If it used to sell, but isn't now, what's changed? If it's selling, but not making money, understand your cashflows: are you charging enough?; are your overheads too high?; have your unit costs risen unnoticed?; do you have a problem getting invoices paid on time?; are returns killing your profits? Is your marketing pitch-perfect, being seen in the right places, and cost-effective?

It's by no means a comprehensive list, of course, but it's intended more to help you stop and try to take an impartial view. If you find that too difficult because you're "too close to the business" - and a lot of people do, it's not unusual - buy in an outside opinion. A business consultant to look at your business end-to-end. An independent accountant to scrutinise the cashflow model. A surveyor to poll your customers, current and (critically) past. A marketing consultant to examine how you're promoting your business and products, and check your media coverage for message and volume. If you're uncomfortable with any of these, that's probably the one to go for first! (We instinctively avoid exposing our weaknesses - it's a primal thing.)

If you don't understand why things are going wrong, and getting in help sounds too much like admitting fault, then - excepting Divine intervention - your business is doomed anyway: sorry, but that's how it is. The outcome might be that anyway, but at least you can walk away with your head held high, and eyes on the next chance.

On the other hand - and even now, I believe this is the most common outcome - you may well find that there's a kernel of value in the business that just needs food, water, time and effort to germinate into profits, if you've the will to do what's needed.

"Human Resources" - the phrase that should have died a-birthing [JTSOS, Oct 2011]

[Originally posted on my Just This Side Of Sane blog on 2011/10/07.]

My inbox was assaulted today by an email from a publisher that shall remain nameless, with the subject line: "Human Resources: Managing your Most Valuable Asset".

I unsubscribed at that point. Anyone who can't see the irony in that email title isn't qualified to pronounce on it, and I wrote as much to the company, expecting it to be forwarded to the digital shredder.

Much to my surprise, the editor emailed me back. And I'll give her full credit, she was courteous, even if she did justify the use of "Human Resources" on the basis that everyone else is doing the same: argumentum ad populum, for anyone who still cares about debating rules.

It would have been churlish not to have replied, so I did. Here's what I wrote:

Hi Name Omitted, and thanks for responding.

Having been in business for over a quarter of a century, and running them for most of the last decade, I'm painfully aware that "Human Resources" is a term in common use. However, that in itself doesn't justify its use: that's just following the sheep. Buzzwords can change. Some should.

Any company that truly does value its staff and their contribution to its profits - and wants to keep both - has to do better than speak of its people in terms that reduce them to the same status as a desk fan. The word "company" means a group of people with a common purpose - and that's what distinguishes staff from "resources". You could replace every desk in a business with a different model overnight, and trading would continue unaffected. Try doing that with staff...

It's rather ironic that we as a community finally managed to bring an end to the thoroughly unsavoury practice of treating women in business as objects - only to extend the same courtesy to everyone else too!

Oh well, rant over. :) Thanks again for your response - and if I can in some small way have moved your (personal and collective) views on "HR", I'll have had a great Friday!

Best wishes,

Jon

So, am I a lone voice in a confederation of the dumb, or a dumb schmuck in the confederation of the smart?