Odeon, Customer Service, And How Not To Do It.

This incident is pretty trivial, but it really got me thinking about customer service.

So...I get O2 Priority Moments with my mobile contract, and saw that there was a special offer: 45% off a large nachos/drink combo at Odeon. As it happens, I wanted to see a new film, Pacific Rim, so that sealed the deal: I save that offer, book tickets through Odeon's mobile app, and off I head to my client's local Odeon.

At the cinema, and off to the food section. Now, let's be honest. Cinema snacks are grossly overpriced: they exploit a captive market, and encourage customers to spend almost as much on noisy grazing as they do on the tickets. A tray of nachos, with a squirt of cheese sauce and a bucket of drink, normally costs £7.50. Even with the discount, at £4.13 it's not cheap, but at least I'm not going to taste tooth grindings along with the corn. So I order it, and, whilst it's being dispensed, pull down the offer on the phone.

Fail. Repeatedly. I keep getting, "The server isn't responding. Try again." Now this isn't entirely true: the server has been very helpful; she's already delivered my nachos and drink, but I think they meant the one on the network. I show the lady that I've got the offer, it's there on the phone, but something's gone wrong where they dispense the magic offer codes. She can't enter a code that I can't give her, and doesn't have an override on the till, so calls a supervisor.

I show him the same thing, and he says, "Sorry, the problem's at O2's end. I can't give you the discount."

I explain that I've clearly got the offer, it's there, it's saved, all it needs is a till override, and we can go ahead. "Sorry, the problem's at O2's end. I can't give you the discount."

"But it's an Odeon offer, O2's just providing the access." "Sorry, the problem's at O2's end. I can't give you the discount."

We go round this loop several times. It's like talking to Robocop.

Eventually, I point out, "Look, the food's been opened and served. There's a slush drink melting. I wouldn't have ordered this lot at £7.50, I'm certainly not paying £7.50 for it, and it's going to go to waste if you don't sell it, so let's use a bit of discretion and get this paid for."

You guessed it. "Sorry, the problem's at O2's end. I can't give you the discount."

Inevitable, wasn't it? I look him in the eye, say, "What a damned waste of food," and walk off.

It's not like I'm unknown at that cinema. I go there probably at least once a week. I'm a regular. The supervisor could have said, "Look, I can't put this through the till, but I've seen you here before - as a goodwill gesture, why don't you just take the food on the house this time? Sorry the system didn't work, but hopefully it'll be fixed for next time. Enjoy the film!" I would have walked away a happy customer, they wouldn't have lost any more (let's face it, the food was headed for the dumpster anyway), and honour would have been satisfied.

Instead, I felt like I was dealing with the worst kind of traffic warden, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth, and I'm not inclined go back to the Guildford Odeon for the rest of my contract's length. It's a shame. I know the manageress - she's really nice, and she deserves better of her staff, but I just don't want to deal with Robocop again.

Would you treat your customers this way?

Oh, and the film? Great. Go see it.

But if you do that at an Odeon, just don't order any discounted food that you wouldn't be prepared to pay full price for.

Seven Steps to A Successful Exhibition Stand Demo

I recently responded in a thread in the TV Connect group on LinkedIn, setting out some tips on successful exhibition-stand demonstrations. VidMind's CEO, Danny Peled, suggested I wrote up my comments as a blog piece. Seems like a jolly good idea, so here it is.

There's live, and there's live. If you want to do a demo that's not basically faked up, you have to de-risk it to the umpteenth degree. There's a number of rules you follow for successful demonstrations. Here are mine:

1. If humanly possible, have all the necessary server fire-power you'll need on-stand. You don't want to rely on off-site equipment unless there's no other option (see point 3);

2. Show power is notoriously bad. Even when it works, the voltage isn't always stable, and you could well have equipment killed by voltage spikes. So put all your servers and key equipment on uninterruptable power supplies (UPSes)! Fully charge the UPSes beforehand, and test them. Get a good idea how long they'll last without mains power, so you know how quickly to shut down your stand kit if (who am I kidding?...when) power goes. On the show floor, put the UPSes on surge protectors;

3. Do everything from pre-loaded data on-site: if you're dependent upon Internet content, or off-site servers, I promise that your most important demo of the show will fail spectacularly;

4. If you can't avoid internet connection, never ever use site networking. Not only is expo network service larcenously expensive, it's usually dial-up slow, heavily contended, may be insecure, and is always highly unreliable. It's far better to get a load balancer/firewall, and plug a rack of cell network dongles into it - each from a different cell network, so that you have redundancy if one of them goes wobbly. You'll get broadband-equivalent speeds - especially if you've LTE available - in stark contrast to show networking. The staff on nearby stands will be crying with envy. (And there's nothing sweeter, when they're the competition!) Best of all, even if you throw the net dongles in the bin at the end of the expo, it'll still have cost you far less than buying from the organisers;

5. Hire a hotel suite, and set up the hardware there, before you move it to the show. Sort out the cabling and networking issues beforehand. Label up the wiring, so it's plug-and-play on the day. Practise the pitch and the demo, in the suite. This is particularly important if you've hired local demonstrators for the show! Get them to the point where a visitor will think they're getting it "canned", it's so smooth - and then, when you're challenged, say: "Go on then, you have a go." Trust me, this is a golden moment! And you'll have differentiated yourself from all the canned, faked demos around you, and created some belief in your product.

These last two points apply whether you're doing a canned demo or live:

6. Get your kit installed on the show floor as early as possible; if necessary, buy early access. Make sure you have your last-minute panics days from the "last minute", to give you time to get out to Best Buy or PC World to replace that broken network switch, the cable that got driven over by the fork-lift, or whatever;

7. Security! Think this through, end to end. Secure everything you can, every way you can. Have redundant kit if possible, and keep it off-site but near at hand. If stand kit goes missing - even just a vital cable - the commercial damage can be catastrophic. A new IPTV supplier (I'll spare their blushes) turned up to their first IBC, to great fanfares and acclaim for their rather innovative début product. I was working a stand that year, but wandered over on the last morning to take a look at this new marvel...to find a stand full of long faces. Some light-fingered oik had pocketed their one demo model! Don't make the same mistake...or you may as well have just spent your entire show budget on an exotic expenses-paid holiday for your favourite staff.

Five Things I Never Travel Without

In the first post, "Five Things I Wouldn't Be Without", I covered the five items you'll never find me separated from. Now, as promised, the five items I always have with me when I travel abroad.

I'm making the distinction here about travelling abroad, rather than just an overnighter to another town, because for a Brit the difference is pretty important. For us, travel to another country usually involves travelling light. Unless we're taking a car ferry or the EuroTunnel, we can't just throw half the house in the boot (or trunk, if you're American) and drive off. We're going by plane, train or boat, and either way we're going to be carrying our life in bags with us.

I'm a huge fan of one-bag travelling. A number of years ago, I stumbled across a wonderful site: onebag.com. [Apologies to anyone who was misdirected when I mistyped it as one-bag.com in a previous revision!] It's not a commercial site, but it's all about travelling anywhere by plane, with just a carry-on bag. Now, I'm also a big fan of Virgin Atlantic - but not their truly dumb 6kg carry-on maximum weight. That necessitates a few special items...

1. My CabinMax convertible backpack

The CabinMax range is excellent, lightweight cabin luggage, and my travel companion for several years now has been my Flight Approved Backpack. Its 44L capacity is as much as you're permitted on most carriers, but it weighs only 880g, or 1.95 lbs, which leaves you over 5kgs for contents even on stingy old Virgin Atlantic. The backpack shoulder straps have been sturdy enough to survive everything I've done to them, and I've been pretty brutal to them so far. It's inexpensive, strong, feather-light and comfortable, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

2. My AyeGear vest

I bought an AyeGear Vest last year, and it's been a wonder! I can fit my 13" Ultrabook in one inside pocket, several phones and gadgets in others, all sorts of odds, ends, batteries and cables all over the place, and thread a pair of mobile phone earpieces through the convenient loops provided...and nothing shows! Which is good, when I'm carrying several kilos extra on my body... Again, it's comfortable, versatile, doesn't look too shabby, and is wearable luggage. I could conceivably even pack a lightweight change of clothes in the big back pocket, and travel with nothing but what I'm wearing.

3. Noise-cancelling headphones

The constant rumble of long-distance air flight is a stressor, but not one that travellers recognise; well, not as much as the screaming kid two rows back, or the salesman soomeone poured into the next seat along, suffering from advanced logorrhoea. Terminal logorrhoea, if he doesn't shut up soon... Airline headsets are, let's face it, rubbish. They manage to combine a total lack of noise barrier with all the fidelity of a 1950s crystal radio earpiece. There's only one solution to the passenger peace problem, and that's active noise-cancelling headphones, preferably the over-ear type. Just remember to carry spare batteries. Due to an unfortunate tendency to chew through the cable when I'm concentrating, I can't recommend any one make. At least, until someone brings out a model with munch-proof wires...

4. Earplugs

As good as noise-cancelling headphones are, they aren't comfortable to sleep with...particularly once you're in your hotel room, and the next-door neighbours' come-all-ye keg party has moved on to the all-in orgy stage, with a full percussion section. You need peace. You need quiet. Actually, you need a Glock 17, but inexplicably the hotel doesn't list one on the room service menu. Apparently they're bad for business. Earplugs are the answer, and you need good ones. I love Flents Quiet Time plugs, and get a fresh supply whenever I'm in the States. I notice they've brought out a Super Sleep model that's shorter, so less likely to be knocked out in your sleep, and I may well pick up a whole load next time around.

5. Ziploc bags

No, really! I store power cords with phones, give data cables their own bags, use large ziplocs to store used undies, keep part-finished bags of Doritos fresh, put each currency in a separate ziploc - the uses are endless, and the bags are weightless...well, nearly enough. You can even put your nice Google Nexus tablet in a ziploc (two, nested, if you're feeling paranoid) and read Kindle books in the bathtub! Just make sure that you use the type that seal end-to-end if you want to do that: the ones with a "zip runner" aren't always waterproof enough. I travel with one roll of smallish bags, and one of really large ones. One word of warning: ziploc bags are slippery, so be careful when you open your luggage, or half its contents will slither around your feet!

Five Things I Wouldn't Be Without

This article on LinkedIn set me to thinking: which five items would I not travel without?

It's a great question. After a while, I realised my answer really depends on what's being asked. Things I'm never without, or articles I always carry when I travel away from home? So I'll answer both. In this article: which five things am I never without? (In the next: which five items I never travel without.)

1. My Android smartphone

OK, I admit it, I'm a geek. Well, you knew that from the title of the blog, so it's no surprise, right? But I'm a real tech geek too; always have been. So not only do I carry a smartphone (currently an HTC Desire Z, because I never want to be without a proper keyboard), but it's an Android phone - of course! - and I write new apps for it when I've a spare moment.

The thing is, it's the hub of my business life. The calendar syncs with Google (using a Gmail email address no-one knows but me), so that I can see my calendar whether I'm at a PC, on a tablet (my Google Nexus 7 is wonderful!), or just have my phone. I use Catch Notes to store my thoughts, information I need to capture, and other sundry bits and pieces that run my life. It's my first port of call for email - it has no problems juggling seven mailboxes! - and if I need to relax, the Kindle app's ready and waiting for me. I might switch to a different handset, but there'll always be an Android in my pocket.

2. My memory stick

Not just any memory stick, either: a 64GB USB3 stick. I don't carry stuff that's business-critical (at least not unencrypted), but it has my music collection, a bunch of PC and Linux software I use regularly, and a whole load of other data I need to hand. The cloud's all very well - and Adeptium Consulting, my consultancy is proudly an Amazon Web Services partner - but it takes forever to download tens of gigabytes, ten forevers to upload that much, and it's clearly not feasible to do that on a mobile phone connection, or someone's home broadband with a usage limit. The internet infrastructure simply hasn't caught up with Big Data volumes, or even Moderately-Sized Data volumes, so for the time being, sneakernet (these days with a USB stick rather than a floppy disk) still reigns. I'm thinking of getting an encrypted stick, possibly the iStorage DataShur, but I'd like it to be USB3 capable.

3. My glasses tool

About seven years ago, I came to the painful realisation that I needed reading glasses. I now have more pairs than I can count, yet never seem to have a pair to hand. So I suppose that one of my items ought to be my prescription glasses - let's face it, I'd be stumped without them - but that's a bit mundane and obvious. Also, they're now so much part of me now that forgetting them would be like leaving an arm behind.

However, there's one item that's pretty much unavoidable, once you're carrying glasses, and that's a glasses tool. I like rimless specs - I'm not all that vain, but it's one of my indulgences - and they always seem to need tightening up. So on my keyring there's my glasses tool. The centre part of the body unscrews to show a tiny cross-head screwdriver at one end, an equally diddy flat-blade at the other, and there's a nut spinner at the far end of the tool. I've been surprised how many other things I've fixed with it, too...

4. A pen

As you'll have gathered by now, I write. As a left-handed writer, I prefer to use a keyboard, because writer's cramp - pushing a pen, not pulling - is a swine, and even I can't read my writing a month later, unless I've written in B L O C K C A P S. However, I never quite got out of the habit of making sure I've always got at least one pen with me, and preferably several. If nothing else, it means I can do the Sudoku puzzles in the Metro and Evening Standard papers when I travel through London!

5. My pocket meds pack

Unfortunately, I'm a migraine sufferer. For anyone who doesn't know: migraine is not a headache. Headache is just one of many migraine symptoms, and sometimes not the worst. But I'm a businessman and a techie, and I need a working head for both of these. So I carry a little blue pocket meds pack. Inside it you'll find a couple of doses of rizatriptan - a medication that can abort a migraine if taken quickly enough, or considerably reduce its severity if not so early - ibuprofen, and paracetamol (acetaminophen, for USAns) or co-codamol (paracetamol + codeine).

Other migraine sufferers might be interested to know about some preventative therapy I'm using these days: Berocca (or its Tesco equivalent), magnesium, zinc, co-enzyme Q10 and large amounts (100-400mg daily) of riboflavin, also known as vitamin B2. The whole lot together seem to boost the efficiency of neural cell mitochondria, and this can help a lot of sufferers of classic-type migraine. The riboflavin dose may seem excessive, but it's a recommendation from UK's National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, the body that advises the UK Government on medicines and therapies.

In the next episode...

...Five Things I Never Travel Without!

Dear %%FIRSTNAME%%,

[Originally posted on my Just This Side Of Sane blog on 2012/07/13.]

Recently, you were kind enough to complete one of our online surveys, following a purchase of our products.  We hope you are satisfied with your purchase, and enjoyed participating in our customer satisfaction research.

We would be very interested to hear your opinion on our surveys, and receive any feedback you would be kind enough to share with us about them, so we have devised a very short questionnaire for you.  We promise it won't take more than 5 minutes of your time, and it would really help us to fit our future research to our customer needs.  If you could spare us those five minutes, please click here to take you directly to the first questions.

Thank you, and our very best wishes,

%%SURVEYCLIENTSHORTNAME%%

Now, I'll admit right now that this is a spoof.  I haven't yet been invited to participate in a meta-survey...but it's only a matter of time.  It seems to me that business has become survey-mad.  You can't buy anything online, can't even enter a commercial website without being offered the "opportunity to assist us in our customer satisfaction research", before, during or after the event - or perhaps all three.

So let me ask: Why has business become so neurotic?

Accepted, it's a good thing to understand how your customers feel about you.  In a store (you know, those places in High Streets and shopping centres?), you could get someone with a clipboard and a smile to poll random shoppers.  If you're already a household name, you could hire a telephone research company to call random people and get their opinions.  So why is it unreasonable to do the same thing online?

Well, it isn't unreasonable at all - in moderation.  Unfortunately, some companies have taken it all a bit too much to heart.  Surveys after every single purchase.  Surveys before you're even allowed onto the website.  Surveys that won't let you leave the website without declining them.  Surveys hitting every single person who visits, every single time.

This. Is. Not. Necessary.

And it makes your business look deeply insecure.  Not a sales-friendly message.

If your (prospective) customers realise that they're going to be pestered by a "needy" vendor every time they come near...guess what?  Yep, that's right, you're now officially working for the competition, and you're making great contributions to their revenues.  You might even get named in their quarterly conference call.

Perhaps, after all, you ought to do a survey asking customers or visitors how they feel about your survey strategy.  I guarantee that if you do, and you act on the results, it'll be the last survey you ever do.

And your customers - those who haven't already drifted away - will love you for it.

What to do when your business goes wrong [JTSOS, Jun 2012]

[Originally posted on my Just This Side Of Sane blog on 2012/06/25.]

There's two reasons why things don't go the way we want.

1. The Universe is a source of infinite possibilities. You're doing the right thing - more or less - it's just that you can't plan for everything, and something just slapped you in the face for trying:

2. You've got it wrong. The Universe and a number of your colleagues and customers have been trying to tell you so, but you won't get the hint until they explain through the medium of breakdance to a soundtrack co-written by Björk, Metallica and Wagner, sung by Ruby Wax and a backing chorus of penguins.

The trick is to identify which category applies.

Yes, I'm being flippant, but the principle stands regardless. As I'm hinting, the problem is often ego: we're damned sure we've got the Next Big Idea, and despair at a Universe that doesn't "get it". So how do we tell?

Now, I'll admit I'm no expert here - but I've run six companies to date, with results varying from complete success to abject failure, so at least I've some experience and a few mistakes from which to winnow an answer.

And that answer seems to me to be metrics: impartial ways of analysing your idea, your approach, your cashflow - to find what's good and what's bad. If things are going wrong, you need to find out where the point of failure is, and be prepared to discover it's you.

Every company has a product, whether that's a widget or a service. That's the starting point.

If it's not selling, find out why. If it used to sell, but isn't now, what's changed? If it's selling, but not making money, understand your cashflows: are you charging enough?; are your overheads too high?; have your unit costs risen unnoticed?; do you have a problem getting invoices paid on time?; are returns killing your profits? Is your marketing pitch-perfect, being seen in the right places, and cost-effective?

It's by no means a comprehensive list, of course, but it's intended more to help you stop and try to take an impartial view. If you find that too difficult because you're "too close to the business" - and a lot of people do, it's not unusual - buy in an outside opinion. A business consultant to look at your business end-to-end. An independent accountant to scrutinise the cashflow model. A surveyor to poll your customers, current and (critically) past. A marketing consultant to examine how you're promoting your business and products, and check your media coverage for message and volume. If you're uncomfortable with any of these, that's probably the one to go for first! (We instinctively avoid exposing our weaknesses - it's a primal thing.)

If you don't understand why things are going wrong, and getting in help sounds too much like admitting fault, then - excepting Divine intervention - your business is doomed anyway: sorry, but that's how it is. The outcome might be that anyway, but at least you can walk away with your head held high, and eyes on the next chance.

On the other hand - and even now, I believe this is the most common outcome - you may well find that there's a kernel of value in the business that just needs food, water, time and effort to germinate into profits, if you've the will to do what's needed.

An open letter to Werner Vogels, Amazon's CTO [JTSOS, Jun 2012]

[Originally posted on my Just This Side Of Sane blog on 2012/06/07.]

Dear Werner,

Firstly, I want to congratulate Amazon for the remarkable success of Amazon Web Services, and the remarkable vision that gave rise to it. I've been a user of AWS since before most people in the industry had heard of it. AWS has completely changed the technology startup model: no longer must a funding proposal include $100k or more of machine room fit-out and infrastructure - in fact, many startups that would have needed venture funding can now grow purely on turnover, paying for their infrastructure at the same rate that the infrastructure's generating cash.  The impact on Big Business has been no less revolutionary, allowing a tighter fit of cost and need than ever before.

But it's startups that I wanted to talk to you about.

I was one of the many who encouraged AWS, through feedback forms at your technology events, and mercilessly lobbying your staff, to introduce a Developers' Conference.  I was delighted to read, after the London events this year, that you had listened, and that the first re:Invent AWS Conference has been scheduled for November 27-29, 2012 in Las Vegas. This is a really positive move, and reinforces the message that Amazon is putting as much effort as possible behind developers.

I have no doubt it will be oversubscribed. And it will be tempting for Amazon to exploit that fact, and charge substantial rates for delegates. I think that that would be a very, very bad idea.

I know you're very well aware of this but, since this is an open letter, I'll say it for the audience anyway: this year's startups will be Amazon's biggest income generators a few years from now. The problem is that right now, those self-same startups aren't flush with cash.

Silicon Valley companies can just send delegates for a short hop over the hills. The picture is very different for those of us outside North America: airlines typically charge around $1600 extra for a return flight - even in coach - if we don't stay over a Saturday. So whether we do that, or take the hit for a shorter stay, it's going to cost us $2,500 or more just for flight, hotel and living expenses...per delegate. That's a big hit for a small firm. And each delegate's just taken a week out of the office, when they could be generating value. That's a lot different to a short internal flight and two nights at TI.

I won't belabour the point - but I will make this bald statement: if Amazon chooses to make re: Invent a profit centre, not a loss-leader or promotional write-down, I do believe it will have a negative impact on your business five or ten years down the line - an impact far more substantial than the cost of staging re: Invent.

I don't want that to be the case. I'm an outspoken and enthusiastic advocate of AWS, and I don't want to see you lose your global thought leadership in cloud computing provision, because so far your ideas have all* been absolutely on the money, you've anticipated my every cloud need to date, and you're way ahead of your competition.

So please, make it easy for us startups, and not just the North American ones, to send our delegates to re: Invent. And we'll do our damnedest to help you fly, too.

Thanks for listening - all the way from the very start to today.

Jon

(* Well, apart from not allowing non-North American requesters use Mechanical Turk, but we'll let that ride. :) )